"What If I'm A Virgin?"
"What If I'm A Virgin?"Please understand that I'm not saying by any means that this is a complete examination of what might go through the head of someone who hasn't yet had sex for the first time (I prefer this roundabout way of defining to the loaded term "virgin"). I'm only one person, and of course my own experience will skew my views. If you have any other opinions or feel that I've overlooked anything, then please feel free to mail us at wwwomen@io.com and contribute to our site. All replies will be anonymized unless you specify otherwise.
It might seem odd to say that virginity is not always as clear-cut as the common definition, so let's take a look at a few situations that might help to muddy the waters. :-)
It's also important to realize that there are still cultures today, such as some Middle Eastern ones, for whom this definition still holds.
And of course, no similar barometer existed for men. Virginity was a concept that held serious significance when it came to women only. There was a slighter consideration of it regards men, but it was with women that the importance of her virginity was paramount. (This attitude is somewhat reflected today, where the word can apply to men and women both, but it is still considered to "matter" more when it comes to women.)
This can seem strange to us, but it's important to keep in mind why the state of a woman's hymen was considered to be so vital -- it was the means by which one could prove that she had had sex with a man. A woman who had torn or stretched her hymen was "less valuable goods" (yippee for us, eh?) because her untouched state could not be determined with absolute certainty. A woman with a tiny or nonexistent hymen was similar. Thus a virgin was a woman who, it could be positively proven by physical evidence, had not had a penis inserted into her vagina.
(Inserted -- what an annoying way of putting it!)
And again, a similar physical barometer did not exist for men. So defining virginity isn't the clear-cut thing that we think it can be, and the definition has changed from the past to the present.
Supposing a penis isn't part of the mix, though? Would this mean that two lesbian women together for fifteen years or more are still . . . virgins? Even if they are incredibly worldly with tons of experience? It could, depending on your definition.
But in that case, there isn't a handy word for these women to describe the significance of their first time, since only the experience of P-in-V is considered to be "important" enough to talk about. The first time experience of these women could, and probably would be, one of the most emotionally significant things in their lives. It could be emotionally equal to what a straight woman feels when she first has sex with a man.
And how about anal sex, with gay men? Are two gay men still virgins even though they may have been together for years and years? If you count anal sex as "losing virginity" for them, then would it count for men and women as well? There are many cultures that consider anal sex to be a "safe" way for a man and woman to have sex and preserve the woman's virginity, so if anal sex doesn't count for men and women, does it count for two men?
The definition muddies seven further when you think of a bisexual person. Would this person be a virgin all over again if she had sex with men and then had sex for the first time with a woman or vice versa?
Again, there is no word for these emotional experiences, if virginity is determined as being the first time that a person experiences P-in-V sex. And while a person can certainly still think of something as significant, and describe it well, what a culture values is often reflected in the words it uses.
Experience is sometimes seen as that which one learns from. It is probable that a survivor of sexual assault has learned nothing about what pleases them, and is likely indeed frightened off of learning further. And again, to define virginity as first P-in-V experience is to leave this person's first happy, joyous sexual experience with no word for it.
Indeed, there are many people who are nervous, uncertain, or intimidated by sex who have had P-in-V sex! Similarly, there is no word to describe these people's first time enjoying sex.
Again, I'm not trying to say that that person is crippled by not having a word for something. I don't think that language creates thought in quite that strict a way. But it certainly does reveal what a culture considers worth talking about by what they have quick words for.
A general list of firsts that can be important, in any order:
The problems with definition crop up because that is the only one that counts in our culture.
I'd like to address a few of these attitudes and help you see that, if you are lacking in sexual experience, well -- you're in good company, because at one point in all of our lives, we were all lacking in it. We weren't born knowing what we enjoyed, and sometimes some of us have had bad experiences as children that have left us less willing to explore what we want from a lover. That's fine. None of us knew precisely what we wanted from day one, and all students of life -- the curious ones, the nervous, the impatient and enthusiastic, or the frightened -- all deserve to have their questions answered without fear of being called slutty or laughed at for being "repressed."
But sometimes, the scale gets overbalanced the other way, and people who are without sexual experience can be accused of being frigid, silly, repressed, hung up, screwed up, or any number of other things. The great tragedy of this is that we are all virgins for some time. Even those of us who have been molested or raped as your first introduction to penetration number among these -- experiences like that are hardly valuable when it comes to teaching you what you want out of sex and how to be a better person through having it. The victim of sexual assault is often as nervous or more so about sex as any grass-green woman with an intact hymen, so for the purposes of this discussion, we're considering victims of sexual assault to be suitable unicorn-bait as well. Perhaps a good definition of virginity is not that you have had sex, but that you have enjoyed it, and felt good after having had it. That experience can be far more profound than the "first" penetration. Check out the WWWomen's own first-time stories to hear what some of us have to say about this topic.
At any rate, few of us are born knowing precisely what turns our crank at the outset, and as such we are all virgins for some time during our life. Calling people who are virgins "purer" than others can make them terribly nervous about losing that virginity, especially women -- losing one's virginity for women is not seen as the "proof" of adulthood that it is for men, the claiming of power. Often, the image promoted through the media and various stories is that of the mermaid exiled from her fabulous undersea home, the psychic who loses her ability to read the future, or the sorceress who is forever banned from using her magical powers after these women have sex or attach themselves to a man. This can make "losing" one's virginity seem like a genuine loss of power and independence -- hardly conducive to a good experience, or an openminded curiosity that will result in a pleasant learning experience.
At the other side, regarding virgins as people who aren't "good in bed" can have the same effect -- making people without sexual experience nervous, afraid of being fumblers, incompetents, or just plain foolish in bed. That kind of sneering and judgementalism can cause nervousness that will interfere just as much with the learning process involved in gaining sexual experience, and can make the "first time" just as unpleasant and nerve-wracking as the above attitude. "Virginity=good" can make you frightened of losing it. "Virginity=bad" can frighten you off of learning.
Attitudes about virginity can be crippling no matter if you are told that it is the best thing since sliced bread, or the worst. No blanket statements are useful to someone who is without sexual experience. The best way to approach it is as a student -- ready to learn, open to a new experience and honest about your wishes, or reservations. After all, all humans beings were virgins at one time or another, so any sweeping statements to the effect that "Virgins are . . . " is going to have to account for the totality of humanity and hence will be worthless as a generalization! About the only things that can be said is that "Virgins have 46 chromosomes, breathe oxygen, and are descended from primates." Just like anyone else.
Both of these attitudes fall flat for a simple reason -- what you owe yourself is never addressed! Why is it that the only thing that people often say about virginity regards losing or keeping it is that you owe it to someone else, some stranger that you haven't even met? Sexuality is a wonderful thing, that can make you a better person for having learned about it, but its chiefest value is that it can help you grow. You owe it to yourself, and to your future partner, to be honest about what you want. Saying that you "owe it" to someone to keep your virginity or lose it turns that first time into obligation make-work that you have to do for someone else's benefit, to say nothing of the damaging effects of being regarded as a bungler through no fault of your own.
It's always good to know what you want, and to that end, sexual experience can help you find that out. You might know the hazy outlines of what you enjoy or what you wouldn't want to do in any circumstances, but charting the grey areas can often only be done through doing. But you don't "owe" it to anyone to keep your virginity or lose it, and when it comes to your very first time, the most important thing is for you to think of what you want, to get in touch with your own preferences, so that you can be honest about those preferences to a treasured lover, be that lover a spouse on your honeymoon, or a close friend with whom you'd like to experiment.
Thinking of sexuality as something you "owe" someone else keeps you from learning what you want. Often, especially for women, learning what you like and dislike during sex can be like listening for a whisper in the middle of a busy city street -- the little voice in your head that tells you what you like is drowned out by the chatter of a million other people telling you what you "should" think. And being told that you "owe" something to someone can drown out that little voice totally.
Keeping or losing your virginity is a decision that you make, and valuing either one over the other fails to take into account the fact that the experience has radically different meanings for different people. To the impatient person who is anxious to learn about sex and enthusiastic about it, or who wishes to find a good experience to get over their nervousness, early sexual activity can help them. To the person who is not interested at the moment, confused about their sexuality, or who has bad experiences in their past to overcome, being encouraged to lose their virginity early can do damage. Confusion over sexual orientation can make this especially difficult -- how can you get into bed with someone if you aren't even sure who you'd want to get in bed with?
The simplest thing to remember is that you should, if possible, have sex for the first time, when and if you feel ready and willing, and for no other reason.
For some people they are ready and willing and impatient as all hell at 16 or younger. For others, they are not prepared to make the decision to have sex for the first time until they are in their late twenties. Yours truly was in her twenties before she made the decision to have sex for the first time, and it wasn't a terribly good experience. No small amount of self-knowledge is required for many people to make the decision to have sex for the first time -- this is perfectly okay, as sex is a powerful experience for many. And people arrive at that decision at different times. If you jumped in with both feet yelling, "Cowabunga!" and had a blast, that's a great thing. If you combatted negative attitudes your whole life and have reached a point where you can enjoy sex, that's also great. If you're still in the process of learning what you want, haven't found the right person yet, are still confused about your sexuality, are battling a terrible experience in your life, or just plain don't feel like it yet -- that's okay, too. It's your life. You've got all the time you want. It's a hoary old cliche, but it's the truth -- if someone refuses to take up with you because you are either not a virgin, or because you are a virgin, that person isn't worth your time. They aren't interested in you -- and more of a relationship happens clothed than unclothed at any rate!
Ultimately, there is one thing and one thing only that you owe your partner -- and this goes for the worldy as well as the inexperienced: If you are a virgin, you owe it to your partner to be honest about your curiosities and reservations. If you are bedding a virgin, you owe it to them to listen to what they say and not to sneer at them. To the virgin who is nervous -- you won't be nervous forever. To the person who is bedding a virgin, remember that you were once in their shoes and try to see your present position as that of mentor.
(If you can't already tell, I have little time for sexually experienced people who sneer at or laugh at those without experience. I consider that to be a terribly damaging and hypocritical attitude since many such people also loudly proclaim their desire to combat "negative attitudes about sex." Well, you won't do that by sniggering up your sleeve at inexperienced people. There is no excuse to sneer at sexually inexperienced people, absolutely none. That behavior is simply rude and unacceptable in civilized company, and speaks more of a desire to regard oneself as contemptuously superior to someone else than to truly promote sexual education and openness. Remember, those of us with sexual experience were in their shoes once, too.)
You owe it to the person you're with to respect them, not to judge them, and to be honest about your own preferences and concerns.
Sex has some areas of overlap for most people, and many more areas of distinction than are commonly accepted. Sexual experience is far more helpful when it comes to learning what you want than what a future hypothetical partner wants.
To put it more plainly -- if you wonder what your present partner wants in bed, why assume that they want what you learned with your last partner? Ask them what they want. Learn together. Assuming that you know it all or have the midas touch is a dangerous thing to do; no matter how experienced you are, there will be someone out there with a quirk that you hadn't anticipated.
So don't worry about learning things for others. Again, the most important thing that sexual experience teaches you is what you want, so that you can be honest with your present partner about your likes and dislikes, what you want to try and what you are nervous about. Your partner can then tell you what they think and feel -- and together, you find out what works best for you.
To make an analogy -- you might have gone to chef's school to learn how to make the best seafood stew in the world, but if your spouse hates seafood, you've still got more to learn. Sex is individual -- the person you're in bed with now is not the person or people you have been in bed with in the past. Learn about them.