Sex and American Culture

or... "Why Do I Have a Defective Model?"

by Kim Allen

We've gotten several emails recently from men who were "concerned" about their wife's or girlfriend's "lack of interest" in sex. They sensed that she wasn't enjoying it all that much, and they just wanted to help. What sensitive 90's guys.

While we feel it is a step in the right direction that men actually think about whether or not women are enjoying sex (there was a time not so long ago when women were totally irrelevant to sex as long as they were there), we are still irked by these men's questions. Why? Because of the underlying assumptions behind them. What are they really saying? "She's not enjoying it-- what's wrong with her?"

Um.

Does anyone ever ask what's wrong with the guy? Maybe he's a lousy lover. Maybe she wants to go slower, maybe she isn't in love with him anymore, maybe he's not in love with her anymore and that comes through in his attitude during sex, which makes her not interested. There are a zillion possibilities!!!! And yet, the only thing that occurs to these "helpful" men is that something might be wrong with their woman's sex drive.

I'll tell you what's wrong with it. American culture (and AFAIK, it's even worse in some other places) simply doesn't acknowledge an autonomous sexual identity for women. There is no middle ground between "complete slut who will do anything with anyone" and "somwhat reluctant nice girl who has learned to have sex with one man because he presses the right buttons." Seriously. What other choices are there for women? Is there any room for a woman who knows what she likes and doesn't like, and chooses sex with certain men, but not others? (I'm not even getting into non-heterosexual choices, which are even less acknowledged).

Going on the above model, men whose girlfriends seem unenthusiastic have their path marked out for them: they must learn to press the right buttons. "She must not be enjoying sex for some tangible reason that I can fix by poking and prodding all the buttons until one of them works and she magically turns on." That's why we get these concerned emails-- guys are thinking of their women lovers as machines that they just don't have tuned properly, like their car engines. "I must have a defective model. What can I do to fix it?" There is no awareness beyond the woman's "failing." It's mind-boggling.

Still not sure you believe what I'm saying? Still thinking I'm probably just some militant feminist making this up because I haven't had a fulfilling sex life? Think again.

Let's try a little mind exercise. Let's pretend that the cultural assumptions that favor male sexual pleasure as the norm were turned around. How would guys like it if penetration were considered "common" and unnecessary for the best sex? (which it is, of course). If the whole weight of the culture rested behind the concept of sex-as-caressing and sex-as-teasing and sex-as-a-long-sensual-voyage? If wanting to stick it in and come as fast as possible were looked down upon as evidence that men don't really enjoy sex and that they have a stunted sex drive?

I'll tell you what would happen-- guys would stop wanting to have sex. Then we'd have women sending us email, saying, "Gee, my boyfriend is unable to keep it up when we play around for longer than 40 minutes. Is there something wrong with him? He wants to come so quickly-- does that mean he lacks the ability to enjoy sex, or is there some way I can teach him to do better?"

Sex for women is like offering a starving person cardboard while you dine on a steak, then saying, "What's the matter? Don't you like to eat????" The way vanilla heterosexual sex is manifested (yeah, manifested) is just NOT THAT GOOD FOR WOMEN. We don't really like it. OK, guys? We're not "defective," we're not waiting for you to press the right button so we'll suddenly "turn on" and enjoy sex like in the movies. We need a culture that allows us to be autonomous sexual beings with real-life desires and needs and passions.

It's in general good that some guys are concerned that their wives and girlfriends enjoy sex, but please, don't treat the problem like some sort of logic puzzle. "If I do 'A' and get response 'B', what will happen if I do 'C'?" We're not little logic puzzles that you have to figure out, and once you do, it will all be solved. It's a lot more complicated than that, and your poke-poke-prod-prod efforts to get us to "turn on" properly really just make it less likely we'll ever truly enjoy sex with you.

Try treating women like humans instead. Vanilla sex just doesn't cut it. The cultural weight behind sex and whether/how/why women should be allowed to enjoy it is an enormous burden to carry to bed. It's changing, but slowly. Men, as round pegs, don't tend to notice the pegboard that neatly reinforces all their sexual desires and ways of thinking/acting about sex. Square pegs can see the pegboard.