Real live sex, by real people

by Kim Allen

"Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics."

I saw this quote on a bumper sticker many years ago, before I could appreciate just how true it is. Forget the image of the happy couple sliding gracefully into each other's arms, then falling immaculately onto the bed and melting into one perfect human union. In reality, there are many physical challenges to completing the sexual act.

No one is born knowing how to make love. Yes, the vast majority of us understand the act intuitively, but that's not what I mean. I mean enjoying sex, making it a sumptuous voyage through realms of pleasure not encountered in any other activity. Awakening passions inside yourself and your partner that you had previously only experienced in erotic dreams or fantasies. Such wonders can happen, but good sex takes practice, like any other skilled activity. I didn't have truly pleasurable sex until about the 15th time. I have no idea how close to average this is, but hey, it's a data point.

So don't expect fireworks the first time (but if you get 'em, great!). The key is to be responsive to your partner's desires, and to try to communicate your own, also. Remember, practice makes perfect.

If you have not yet had sex (and even if you have!!), you may want to check out our special page devoted to the First Time.

Here are a few challenges you may encounter:

Getting your clothes off. Although this takes approximately 1.5 seconds of air time on TV, you will in fact struggle with it for several minutes (or more). There is nothing graceful about peeling off those tight jeans you've worn for the last 16 hours. And the more turned-on you are, the harder it is to get the damn buttons undone. This is not to say that undressing can't be fun-- in fact, it can be highly erotic-- just don't expect it to proceed as smoothly as it does in phony media sex. It's fun to undress each other. Go slowly, make it tantalizing, drape the removed item over your partner's bare skin. Savor the scent of his or her clothing. Understand that removing underwear while lying down is an awkward process that involves knees and legs flying in dangerous directions.
Getting warmed up. The initial stages of sex, in which you are becoming fully aroused, present additional challenges. The most obvious is getting comfortable. If you're on top, your shoulders may get tired of propping you up if you're leaning on your elbows, and you may have trouble fitting your legs properly on the inside or the outside of your partner's. If you're on the bottom, you may feel squashed and parts of your extremities may fall asleep. In any position, your back can get tired, jutting bones can be painful, and the man may have trouble putting his penis somewhere comfortable. When we are in these joint-straining and muscle-stretching positions during sex, we feel that it would be wrong somehow to mention it and try to find a better position. As if that would break the perfect mood-- but if you're not comfortable, the mood isn't perfect! Speak up about what doesn't feel right. You'll have a much better time.
Long hair. It looks beautiful when you're standing up, but it's really going to get in the way. It will get in your (and your partner's) mouth, and it will get caught under arms and shoulders as you move around. After a few painful yanks, you'll see the wisdom of tying it back or braiding it.
Penetration (in heterosexual sex, and when using a dildo or your hand). Don't do it too soon. That is the single-most cause of not enjoying sex fully. The fact is, it's a tight squeeze, especially in the anus. Lubrication is necessary; women supply their own vaginal lubrication if highly aroused, but consider using additional lubrication anyway. First of all, it can be fun-- apply it slowly, teasingly. And second, it may be necessary to avoid pain; this is true at various times in the monthly cycle when there is less vaginal lubrication, and is always true for anal sex. (Note: there is a special section below on lubrication). If it hurts, tell your partner, and go more slowly. Concentrate on relaxing the muscles, form images in your head of water lapping up on shore and enveloping a piece of driftwood, anything that works for you. And don't forget that sex is not about penetration. You can have wonderful sex without it! Try it sometime. (Important health note: Anything that penetrates the anus must be washed with soap and warm water before vaginal penetration! This is nothing to take lightly; bacterial infections are no fun, and it is the woman who will get infected. Don't let yourself get pushed into ignoring this piece of advice).
Keeping it in. In heterosexual sex, the penis will occasionally fall out, especially if you're trying creative positions or moving around alot. Just make sure you have a good sense of humor about this. It's really no big deal; we're just not used to expecting it since it's never mentioned in books or shown in films, of course.
The climax. If you've done everything right, you and your partner will reach a dizzying peak of ecstasy simutaneously, cresting in a heavenly spasm of orgasmic energy, then slowly relaxing back to Earth in utter oneness. NOT. Most likely, someone will come first. Then there is the task of getting the other person to climax too (which could sometimes be called the anticlimax). This is not a useful way to think about it. The climax is not the *object*, it is just the most stimulating and intense part of a whole voyage called sex. You're not seeking a goal (orgasm), you are indulging in a very pleasurable process; make the whole process matter. The climax is a wonderful part of the voyage, but strictly speaking it is not essential (unless you're trying to get pregnant). I'm not pretending that modifying your thinking in this matter will be simple, but just try not to fixate on the orgasm as the most important thing in the world. And talk to your partner too-- you can help remind each other that sex is about intimacy, pleasure, and trust, not about sticky bodily fluids and muscular contractions. (And, paradoxically, adopting this mode of thinking will make your orgasms about twice as good-- something to look forward to, but not directly of course :-) ).
When is it over? In heterosexual sex, it's over when the man comes, right? This is the overwhelming message we get from media sex. Don't buy it. It is certainly true that the man will lose his erection after ejaculation, for anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. And male orgasm does cause the release of chemicals in the brain that induce drowsiness-- hence, he wants to fall asleep. But the woman's needs are just as important-- not more and certainly not less. You should be aware that many guys will have absorbed what TV teaches them about sex, and will assume it's over when they're finished. You need to address this ahead of time. Different people like different paces during sex (and the same person may feel like going slow or fast on different days-- it's a highly individual thing). Making the voyage together a pleasurable one is a complicated series of compromises about how fast, how hard, how much motion, etc. You give and you take. The best you can do is agree ahead of time to be very aware of the other person during sex, and to feel all right about voicing your own concerns about pace and comfort level. With this in mind, you are more likely to arrive at the end of the voyage in a way that pleases both of you. This may mean the man continues after his orgasm until you reach yours, or pehaps one of you will have to hold back in the earlier stages to bring your climaxes closer together. Or you may decide it's fine if both of you don't climax every time. Anything goes, as long as you both agree on it.
Afterwards. Sex is messy. It just is. It is sticky and slimy and a bit smelly (the smell is highly erotic during sex, but not as much so afterward). You may discover the classic "wet spot" on the sheets after you've caught your breath, and believe me, it's no fun to sleep on. There is a practical solution: use a towel. I'm not kidding. (And as an aside-- a dark towel is particularly handy for sex during menstruation. Hey, why not?)
Outdoor sex. It's always depicted as romantic, rugged, and natural. In fact, it's cold and uncomfortable. The ground is really hard, and sand can really kill those intimate moments, especially if you're having oral sex. I'm not saying no one ever enjoys outdoor sex (or car sex, for that matter), but don't have any unrealistic expectations about it.
Preparation. Why am I mentioning this at the end? To underscore the fact that you can get pretty far before you remember that this is an important step (be honest, did you think at the beginning, "she really ought to have listed preparation"?). Know where the K-Y jelly is. Know where the condoms are. Keep a box of Kleenex next to the bed to catch the post-coital leaks. At least the Boy Scouts got one thing right: Be Prepared.
Other odds and ends: You will get hair in your mouth, possibly pubic hair, even if you aren't engaging in oral sex. Your bodies will make hilarious sucking sounds as they seal together then pop apart during vigorous activity. You may experience the shock of cold feet/hands/nose (don't worry; it improves with increased arousal).
Random thoughts that may enter your head during sex: (don't be concerned if they do; it's perfectly normal).
"Wow, the ceiling needs painting."
"You know, this doesn't fit very well."
"Did she always have that hairy mole on her back?"
"I can smell the chili from dinner."
"Erections look really ridiculous." (and they do)
"Shoot! I forgot to call my mother tonight!"

... and many more. That's just the way it is.

Lubrication

This is important enough to warrant its own special section. As I've said above, vaginal lubrication is often sufficient (except for some times of the cycle) for nonpainful sex. But extra lubrication can be fun, and the anus provides *no* lubrication, so read on:

The foremost thing you need to know is that some lubricants can degrade latex-- this is a serious problem if you are using a latex condom as protection. The condom can leak or break, spilling sperm into the vagina. The latex-attacking lubricants are petroleum-based; Vaseline is the most common one. Don't use these lubricants with condoms. Check the label for petroleum! In general, edible oils are fine as lubricants, such as cooking oil, although I find them a little thin. Also, there are many good commercial lubricants. My personal favorite is Astro-Glide (it's very mild; it is also used in delivery rooms).

Also, there are nonlatex condoms, which avoid the problem of petroleum-based lubricants; they are made of lambskin, and are generally a little more supple than the latex ones. They work just as well in preventing pregnancy and protecting against some viral STD's, but be warned that they are less effective against HIV than latex. I prefer them in cases where I am sure that my partner is HIV-negative and all we need is the pregnancy protection, simply because they don't have the strong latex smell. But if there is any doubt (ie, you and your partner have not had direct HIV tests), please use latex and a non-petroleum-based lubricant.

One final note: an uncircumcised penis provides a bit more natural lubrication than a circumcised one, because the foreskin traps more of the man's pre-ejaculation fluid. But be careful: This fluid contains sperm (and can transmit STD's). You can get pregnant or infected from direct contact with this fluid, just as with semen.

Lesbian Sex

In a way, lesbians are fortunate in that the popular media do not bombard viewers with images of perfect sex-- which of course never happens like that. Think of it as freedom, freedom to explore what feels good to you and your partner, freedom from societal norms and expectations. And I mean that honestly. Do whatever you want in the delicious garden of your bedroom. Personally, I think lesbian sex has the potential to be more creative than heterosexual sex.

But there are a couple practical notes to add. First, you can get AIDS from lesbian sex. It is rare (and in fact, lesbians have the lowest rate of AIDS among people who have sex), but it can happen, so don't ignore it. (Ask about your partner's sexual history, get HIV tests if you think you need them, use barrier methods of protection).

What do I mean, barrier method for lesbians? I'm referring to a dam, which is a small square of latex used between the mouth of one woman and the vulva of the other. The easiest way to make one is to cut the end off a condom, then slit the remaining cylinder lengthwise. This also protects against the transmission of the herpes virus. If you or your partner are prone to cold sores, it would be a good idea to use a dam during oral sex.

A Few Anecdotes...

If you've never had sex, it can seem like a vast formless object. You know nothing about its shape, texture, scent, color, or size. The funny thing is, even if you have had sex, all you have is your own experience, which is still just a tiny corner of that formless object.

Well, let's turn on the lights. Let's go climb around that mysterious entity, touching it, tasting it, sliding down it, and comparing what we have experienced. How long is a typical session of sex? How much of that time should be spent in penetration? People's tastes differ, and we rarely share our opinions, sometimes even keeping them from the people we make love to-- that doesn't make any sense, does it?

Here are some anecdotes and quotes by women. Feel free to send me your own by email (they will be anonymous, of course).

"As far as actual penetration goes, ten minutes would probably be a minimum; less time, and there's not really enough time to properly enjoy the sensation. Maximum -- it would vary. I dated one guy who didn't believe in using much lubricant because it lessened _his_ sensation :-[; he also had the quirk of needing a long time to reach orgasm -- forty-five minutes was a really fast session. Needless to say, I found those sessions to be most definitely too long. OTOH, I've had other sessions where the penetration lasted as long and didn't seem so long."
"Regarding the session as a whole, as long as I'm enjoying it and there aren't other things nagging for my attention, I'm very happy for it to last a long time. It's like any other activity -- there are days when I want to do lots of needlework and days when I can barely drag myself into working on the project that needs finishing NOW; there are days when I can spend hours on the computer and days when I barely log in; there are days when I'll gladly spend a whole afternoon or evening in sexual activity [alone or with a partner] and days when I'd rather be doing something else. But if I'm in the mood, the sky's the limit."
"I seem to be in the minority in that I often got kinda bored before my ex was satisfied. I almost always climaxed first (even though I prefered to come after he did). The occasional 3 hour marathon was fine, but frankly, after the first year or so (we're talking a 10 year relationship before he had an affair and walked), I really wasn't interested in that more than a few times a year. I was usually happy with about a 40 minute session. The weird part is that he seemed to get kinda bored, too, but when I asked him about it (as gently as I could - not a terribly secure fellow) he'd just say something about most women would be happy with a guy who could go forever (or something along those lines)."
"A typical session was 30 minutes or so, I'd say. And that was usually about right for me. Although after lying around a bit afterwards, I would usually want more, but sometimes my guy didn't. And I wanted sex more often than him. Mismatched libido can be a real strain in a relationship."
A conversation about faking orgasm:
- Woman #1: "I've never faked - I don't think I had an orgasm until the 5th or 6th time I made love, but I'd never fake it! It seems, well, rude, I guess. Dishonest - and if ya can't trust your love monkey, who can you trust?"
- Woman #2: "I agree completely. I would never fake. It would make me feel really low, and it's not in the spirit of having an intimate, trusting relationship."
- Woman #3: "I never have and I can't imagine ever being in a situation where I would. What's the point?"