Am I Ready For Sex?

by Kim Allen and Alana Wingfoot

The question of readiness does not only occur once in your life, before you have sex the first time. It occurs again each time you consider having sex with a new partner. Each person you make love to will offer a different experience and bring different feelings to the act. There will be different consequences. Even if you have had sex with many people, you are still starting over in a very real sense with your next lover. Make sure you think about whether you are ready. It is your choice to make.

We are not here to tell you whether or not you are ready, but to give you the resources to decide for yourself. You will get plenty of pressure from all kinds of sources: the Church, your family, your peers, your lover. But ultimately it is you who will or won't get in that bed, so keep yourself at the forefront of your thoughts on this matter.

Sex can be immensely pleasurable, or it can be humiliating and uncomfortable. It may make you feel free and empowered, or guilty and shameful. You may be afraid of your body, or afraid to resist your lover's pleas for sex. Or you may thirst to know the depths of orgasm with a trusted, intimate partner. Or you may have a range of confusing, conflicting desires in you, all at the same time. All of these feelings are perfectly normal. And it doesn't help that the media build up sex to be such a monumental, life-changing experience.

Resist the outside pressures. Imagine bundling them up into a big mass, and just shoving it away from you as hard as you can. Focus on your own feelings, needs, and desires, and how these pertain to your relationship with your partner. We hope that the information provided on our pages will supply you with everything you need to understand what having sex is all about, and how you feel about it.

So here's the strategy: Cruise our pages. Think about the issues listed below. We strongly recommend that you discuss as many of these issues as you can with your partner before you engage in sex. It feels awkward and silly to discuss sex, but that's only because society has placed such a taboo on it, as if it were unnatural and "dirty." Baloney. Thumb your nose at those societal taboos, and talk openly about making love, using contraception, and all the other no-no's.

You may decide that you don't want to have sex. That's fine. You may decide that you do want to have sex, even though you aren't married (and may have no desire to marry this partner at all). That's also fine. The important thing is that you made the decision for yourself. If it feels right, stick with it. When it no longer feels right, change it.

Consider the following issues:

• Do I really want to have sex -- with this person, or at all? Am I doing it just to make my partner happy? Or am I doing it because I want to? Sex isn't something you should do because you're afraid your partner will leave you or because you want to feel like an adult. (The true irony is that many adults don't have sex very often, for a wide variety of reasons. It just seems like the whole world is doing it if you aren't).
• Have I discussed contraception (if het) and prevention of STD's with my partner? Is the financial responsibility for these items solely mine, or solely my partner's, or will we split the cost? Don't ignore this one, no matter how tempting. For information about choosing a method of protection, see our contraception page.
• If this is heterosexual sex, what do I think I would do if I became pregnant? Is abortion an option that I would consider acceptable? If I do carry the child to term, can I afford the prenatal care I will need to insure the health of my baby (sadly, many insurance policies do not include prenatal care!)? Would I be willing to give up the child for adoption? Would I have the resources to raise it myself? Before you say "yes", do the following (I mean it!): Call around to check out day-care rates, the cost of the first several doctor's visits, the cost of buying or laundering about 200 diapers per month, and so forth. Ask yourself whether you really have enough local relatives and friends to help you out, give you an afternoon off, etc. To think about this option more seriously, please read our Pregnancy section also.
• What are my partner's opinions? If one of you believes abortion is the best answer to an unwanted pregnancy and the other considers it wrong, that's probably a good sign that you shouldn't be having sex. Also, while you are the only one who should be deciding whether to carry the child to term or not, if you do choose to bear it, once it's out of your body your partner does have a say in what happens to the child. Is your partner someone who you'd want as the father of your theoretical child?
• Do I consider sex with this partner to be a one-time just-for-fun thing? Something I currently intend to repeat but don't attach any emotional significance to? A symbol of my emotional bond to him/her? How does my partner feel about it? Sex has many more consequences that most people realize.
• Where will I have sex? This may seem dumb at first glance, but it's serious. If you are sneaking around and worried about people catching you in the act, it's not a good sign. If there isn't somewhere comfortable where you can feel unstressed, but you still have a strong desire to have sex, you might question your motives.

Young Women, Older Men

This deserves a special section of its own. We've all heard about the "rampant" problem of teen pregnancy, but until very recently, no one thought to ask, Who's the father?

Most teen mothers (and down to girls as young as 10) were impregnated by adult men. (Reference: CNN story, April 18: "STUDY SAYS ADULTS, NOT CLASSMATES, FATHERING MOST TEEN MOMS' BABIES". Based on research by Mike Males at UC Irvine). Moreover, these men tend to have below-average educational attainment and income.

The trouble is obvious. Adult men have alot of power over teenage girls. It is very difficult for her to insist that he use protection, or to refuse sexual contact with him at all. If, in addition, the man feels powerless in his own situation (because of a poor job, for instance), he will be all the more aggressive toward the teenager.

Age difference alone doesn't matter so much, say between a 25-year-old and a 35-year-old. It is the combination of a teenager and an adult. Even the four-year difference between a 17-year-old and a 21-year-old is significant.

If you are very young, and are considering having sex with an older man, please think extra carefully. I am not saying all older men are just out for sex or power, or that they have unwholesome motives in general, but be aware that the situation you are in is one of extreme power imbalance. Such unequal situations are rarely conducive to the love, understanding, and deep friendship that accompany a satisfying sexual relationship. As one of us said, If he wants to have sex with you, it doesn't necessarily mean he loves you; it just means he wants to have sex with you.

If you need help stopping the advances of an older man, don't hesitate to get it. Ask friends and family for advice; find a teacher or coach or neighbor whom you trust. It may seem embarrassing to explain the situation, but the possible alternatives are much worse. You could get pregnant, you could get AIDS (which is the same thing as dying these days-- is sex worth your life?), or you could be raped. Not worth it. Anyone who wants sex with you but won't respect your desire for using protection (or your desire not to have sex at all), is not your boyfriend, or even your friend, no matter what they say.

Again, I am not trying to sound too heavy here. Yours truly has slept with a man 22 years older than me. But I was not a teenager, and I went into that with my eyes wide open. It was not a situation of unequal power; we used protection that we both agreed upon, and we were certain that neither of us had any STD's (he even got an HIV test, just to make sure). Please do the same in your relationships!