There's a first time for everything . . .
There's a first time for everything . . ....and it probably won't be the best. I most certainly am not trying to rain on your parade or spoil a very personal and powerful experience. The first time you make love is something you will probably remember quite vividly for a long time (unless you were drunk; see our experiences below :-))
Most cultures attach special importance to the first sexual act, for both males and females. Often the experience marks the entrance of some new phase of adulthood (becoming sexually mature is usually the actual beginning of adulthood), and in some cases the consummation of a marriage. But only in modern, Western, strip-mall, pink-plastic-flamingo culture do we enshrine this event in such a bizarre way. "Losing your virginity" (what a stupid phrase-- you are not losing anything!) is supposed to be a magical moment-- a pure, joyous experience equivalent to witnessing a religious miracle. In our patriarchal view, it is also an affirmation of traditional sex roles. A man achieves new status when he "conquers" a woman for the first time, be it in or out of marriage. A woman, however, is a slut when she has sex before marriage. And if she waits until her wedding night, then the act is idealized as giving herself over to her husband. Not pretty choices.
As if that weren't heavy enough, the First Time (and sex in general, in fact) is supposed to be a great emotional bonding experience. Through the physical intimacy of your bodies, you are expected to achieve stronger emotional intimacy. That may be the case if you are already in a very close, trusting relationship. But sex will never create what isn't already there. It is a lens, not a light source. It takes what is there and modifies it. Don't fall into the trap of believing that sex will solve any problems in your relationship. It won't. (See the section and quotes below).
All this building up of the Big Moment has two very negative results which we hope to combat here with some straight facts: (1) You may be very nervous. Since it's supposed to be perfect, will you measure up? What if something goes wrong? What if you don't see stars? (2) You may be disappointed. This is the real world; your first time won't be perfect.
We are here, writing these Web pages, to shout a resounding SO WHAT??? Your first time is your first time, and it is uniquely yours. By definition, you will "measure up," because there is no standard. You must consciously resist the outside forces that tell you how it's supposed to be.
(Note: if your potential partner is a man several years (or more) older than you, please read the additional section on older men).
Will It Hurt???
Well, let's be frank: the first time you experience penetration, it might hurt. It might not-- don't expect pain that might not exist! But a dildo or an erect penis or even a couple of fingers may be larger than anything else you've ever put in your vagina (or your anus). The muscles will have to stretch a bit, which feels... well, stretchy. Like trying to touch your toes when your legs aren't very limber, except on the inside. And to make it worse, nervousness tends to make you "clamp down", so the muscles simply cannot relax and stretch. That is a bit more painful.
I hesitate to write too much here. Being anxious about pain is a self-fulfilling prophecy because when you're anxious, it's going to hurt more, guaranteed. And it's very hard to tell yourself not to be anxious. But, like stage fright or fear of public speaking, nervousness during sex can be combatted with a variety of conscious techniques. And eventually, with enough practice, it will diminish all by itself. (And also, as with the other fears, there are some people who just don't have fear their first time experiencing sex. I don't want to create anything that wasn't going to exist in the first place!).
So relax. Imagine peaceful scenes. I like to imagine water lapping against a shore, but choose something that is meaningful to you. The goal is to relax the muscles in your lower abdomen, hips, and buttocks. Don't passively lie there gritting your teeth against the object penetrating you; most likely, your partner doesn't know the correct angle for your body (each woman is different). Move your hips around and actively receive whatever it is. You are not being penetrated; you are engulfing it. I recommend being on the top so you have the most control over the angle. You will feel that you have no idea what to do, but trust yourself-- you can do it.
Men have heard the "it will hurt" line also. They may be nervous about causing you pain, so don't try to suffer in silence; this is something you and your partner can overcome together, if it turns out to be an issue. One thing that you can do for yourself is to stretch out a bit ahead of time, using a vibrator and/or dildo. Some lubrication is nice, also. Just get used to the feel of being stretched and having an object inside you. There is more information about this on our vibrator page.
The "Emotional Bond" Fallacy
There is a dangerous stereotype that sex is a deeply moving emotional experience in which two people bond in a profound and lasting way. Don't get me wrong-- this does happen, but only if you were in a satisfying, close relationship before you had sex.
Sex doesn't create anything that wasn't already there. It won't solve any communication problems you are having, and it won't make you fall in love with anyone (or make them fall in love with you). If you are tempted to have sex in order to improve a faltering relationship, STOP. It won't help, and could make things worse.
We had quite a lively discussion about this. All of us agreed that sex turned out to be much less of an emotional experience than we were led to believe. Only when we were already in honest, loving relationships did we discover the powerful bond that accompanies intercourse. Excerpts from our discussion are included at the end of the "experiences" section below:
Sexual Experiences: First-hand Quotes
We have had sex. For most of us, subsequent sexual acts were better than the first. You can read what we have to share, and then perhaps your own first experience will be put in a clearer context.
The First Time
In reply, another one of us stated, "Oh, man, not for me!!! For me, being on top is so *incredibly* intense that it would have been a terrible first time for me. (In fact, it's so intense for me that I really don't care much for it.) Personally, I'd reccomend a side entrance. But that's me. :-) I think that one thing we need to *constantly* remind people is that *every* woman (and man) has different tolerances, different tastes and different desires. To each her own should be our motto. :-)"
If I have to point to an event in my sexual life so far that's truly been emotionally powerful and a real transforming experience, it'd have to be the first time I masturbated to orgasm, nearly five years after my first intercourse. Realizing, once and for all, that I could give myself sexual pleasure and not have to depend on someone else to do it.... That was the true initiatory experience for me."
As far as events go that were transforming/important, etc, learning to fall in love with someone was far more powerful than anything merely sexual I've experienced."
As an aside: foreplay and oral sex sounded really disgusting to me the first time I heard it. I think no matter how tactfully the School Nurse explains it, it will sound gross when you take the dictionary definition at face value. I didn't think I could ever perform fellatio. The very thought was enough to churn my stomach. But when you're in a wonderful, meaningful, loving and caring relationship, you're not being forced into it, you can stop whenever you like, you're not being held to any expectations, etc., you'll find out that the dictionary definition just doesn't do it justice.
Anyway, I had never even seen sex or intercourse before. The lousy excuses for explanations they give you in Sex Ed. are absolutely inadequate at best. He had seen erotic videos before, but had never actually done it with anyone before. So, he had rented erotic videos once in a while for the few months before The Moment and watched with me so that I would get some idea of what it might be like.
*Bzzzt* Not quite. I know he had the best intentions (to show me so I didn't go into it completely clueless) and I love him for that, but I ended up expecting his penis to "just slide in"; I expected it to be easy. It wasn't easy. Nor was it even close to good.
We very quickly found out that he wouldn't fit - even with heaps and gobs of K-Y. And pushing harder just felt plain wrong. It didn't even feel like there was even an opening for him to put his penis in(!) Whether I was just really nervous and was clamping down or I'm just really snug or he's just really big, I'm not sure. I think it's a combination of all three.
I was disappointed to tears. This was a pretty big blow to my self-esteem. But being the incredible sweetie that he is, he just held me for as long as it took for me to cry, all the while comforting me and reassuring me that it was okay, that he loved me, that we had all the time in the world to get it right, that he wouldn't rush me, that he would stop if it hurt or I asked him to, that he would accompany me to the doctor/gynecologist/whatever if we ever needed to, that he would be there for me and I could talk to him.
I somehow managed to quash my embarassment long enough and ask a female doctor e-mail friend about it. She was so wonderful about it and told me about some vaginal stretching exercises I could do so it didn't have to hurt/bleed etc and recommended books like "Our Bodies, Our Selves" to me. I felt much better knowing that there wasn't anything wrong with me because it didn't work the first time.
It's funny, it felt like a total disaster at the time, but in retrospect, I think it was a beautiful beginning. We did have this "Incredible Emotional Bonding", but it wasn't the sex that made it happen. It was the lack of sex.
3 years later, today, we're making significant progress, but intercourse isn't our first priority. Foreplay and the oral sex is a bigger part of our sex life - we both enjoy it and it's more fun than intercourse."
What Emotional Bond???
None of this 'magical, thrusting his manhood deep inside me while I clutched at him, driving him ever deeper into my aching need for him, until I exploded against his strong, muscular body, and, as he wrapped his hands in my hair, pulling me against him and whispering hoarsely, "don't leave me, I shall die if you leave me, I love you and will follow you to the ends of the earth", oh, I quivered with renewed passion, knowing the depth of my love, that I could not be whole without him.'
Yeah, right.
But goddamn it, this sex stuff turned out to have about as much emotional significance as having a conversation with the guy! He was fun to talk to, and he (quite quickly) was alot of fun to sleep with. No deep, emotional commitment, no nothing. It was so outside of my expectations of 'how it would be for me', I was just stunned. And making love to him didn't make me love him. It was freaky."