Abstinence

by Kim Allen

Abstinence means choosing not to have intercourse. There are all kinds of ways to accomplish this-- you may abstain from all sexual contact, or you may kiss and pet and even have oral sex. The important point is that there is no penis-to-vagina contact. None. The man secretes sperm-laden fluid long before he ejaculates, which can result in pregnancy as well as transmission of STD's. Don't push your luck on this point.

If abstinence is your only form of protection, it must be practiced scrupulously. However, the reward for doing so is 100% reliability. It's an all-or-nothing deal which many women are quite satisfied with.

One word of caution. If you choose to engage in sexual contact without intercourse, you are sharing the responsibility of protection with your partner to a greater degree than with other methods. Once you get the man to put on the condom, or to wait until you get your diaphragm in, or whatever, the precaution has been taken. But with abstinence, you must constantly be aware of what actions could be dangerous, and you are partly relying on him to remember also. Abstinence is a more intimate form of protection than most other methods. I recommend practicing it only with someone you really trust, or else practicing it to the extreme (ie, no sexual contact).

Abstinence should not be confused with a technique called "withdrawal," in which the man does penetrate, but pulls out before ejaculation. Withdrawal does not work! The pre-ejaculate has plenty of sperm in it, and can transmit STD's (including HIV). Not to mention that it's quite difficult to stop oneself just before an orgasm and remember to pull out; many men don't accomplish the withdrawal. Don't get bullied into using this method if what you want is abstinence. That's why you should only attempt sex-without-intercourse with a truly trusted partner.

If you are practicing complete abstinence from sexual contact, you may nontheless want some sexual release. (Or you may not feel this need; either situation is normal). I recommend masturbation. You can do it with just your hands (and your fantasies), or you can use all kinds of toys, like a dildo or vibrator. We have some information about masturbation on a separate page called Sex For One.

Thoughts from a woman about abstinence:

"Abstinence was my birth control during high school, when I absolutely positively could not handle a child; it's been my birth control for the past couple years, because sex hasn't been appropriate in any of my recent relationships. It works for me; masturbation takes care of my sexual needs for now, and I can start using another form of birth control whenever I find someone I actually want to sleep with. I highly recommend it to anyone unsure about whether they should be having sex, and I fully support anyone who knows they don't want sex.

But I have problems with the emphasis so many religious groups place on teaching abstinence only. There are situations where long-term abstinence works very well; there are also situations where it's not feasible. If you disagree with me, imagine the average husband's reaction if his wife were to say, 'Since we're not in financial shape to support another child, we can't have intercourse for the next year.' Right."