Shades of Desire

by Janis Cortese

"Women aren't as sexual as men are."

"Men need sex -- girls need love."

"Women don't like that sort of thing."

"Motherhood is the crowning glory of a woman's life."

"Children and relationships mean more to women than to men."

"A woman is most feminine when she is with her man."

Girls(sic) do need love. But so do men, and anyone who thinks that girls don't want sex as well is pretty behind the times.

Motherhood is a wonderful achievement in a woman's life. But is fatherhood no more crucial? Are there no other ways a woman can achieve?

A woman is feminine when she's with her man. She's also feminine with her friends, by herself, or playing with the dog. A woman cannot but be feminine.

• Women are not interested in sex. We do not feel lust, or physical desire as profoundly as men do.
• Women are not interested in such "shallow" things as looks.
• Women are always with men, and are incomplete otherwise.

The one thing that these two epithets have in common is that they connote a woman who has sex how she wants it, and may not be at the beck and call of a man. (Remember the double standard that calls a guy a stud if he has lots of sex, and a woman a slut if she does?) In short, a woman who can and will say, "No."

Or rather, a woman who, even more frightening, can say "No" sometimes and "Yes" other times. Times when she "shouldn't." Times when someone tells her not to. Her no is her own -- an autonomous choice. And this is the most frightening thing of all -- the idea of a woman who approaches sex on her own terms, who is not controllable through it.

Out of control? Nymphomaniac? Sexpot? Slut? Not at all -- we're not talking about women who will sleep with everyone they see, or women who see sex as commitmentless fun to be had at the local bar.

Often all it takes is the simple acknowledgement of enjoying sex, no matter how monogamously you do it, or having had sex with "the wrong person," or having romantic thoughts about another woman to brand a woman a "slut" or "whore." In other, words, a normal woman -- a woman who likes looking at men or other women. A woman who fights the guilt that society puts on her shoulders.

In short, a woman (or girl) who will say no to one person and yes to another, for no reason other than the fact that she desires the second and not the first. Often, what society calls a "slut" is not the "girl who can't say no." Society has a perfect niche for such women. What society detests is the girl who can and will say no, when and wherever she feels like it. A girl who will sleep with this boy and not that one. A girl who will want this woman and not that man.

A girl who exercises choice.

And what could be more normal, more human than to have one's own autonomous desires, and to act on them? Just what is so terrible about this?

We hope to show you through these pages that there is nothing wrong with having these feelings -- with seeing sex as something fun and exciting for you.